Day 43~~

One year and a day ago I tripped over the edge of a rug…..and it forever changed my world. I didn’t know it at the time just how much, but it did. Completely. All I knew at the time was my head bounced of the floor and felt like my right arm had been ripped off… But it was still attached. Just not like it was supposed to be. In the process of walking out of a door, I tripped over the edge of a rug. I know this only because I remember seeing the rug as I was laying on it…screaming in pain. It happened so fast that my brain could process fast enough for my hand to let go of the door that was opening the opposite direction from which I was falling; causing my right arm to become completely dislocated and falling into my arm pit. Thing is because of how it came out and fell down into my arm pit it didn’t look like a normal dislocation. Most pop out to the front, back or side and you can see the difference. Mine… You couldn’t tell. The ENTs couldn’t figure it out…thought maybe I ripped my muscle or something. It wasn’t until a few hours later, as they were finally doing an x-ray because my right hand was completely swollen, turning blue and had no feeling in it any more. They didn’t even bother taking more x-rays,  as the tech started calling the dr loudly to the room I was in to come quickly. The top bone of my right arm had fallen into my arm pit and landed just so…it was on top of the nerve bundle and main artery for my right arm…had been for several hours by this point. 

At this point I didn’t know the state of my hand. I was in so much pain I was begging to be knocked out. We are talking child birth pain… I don’t remember being cut out of my sweater. I don’t remember crying and begging to be knocked out. These were things I was told later. I don’t remember begging my friend that drove my jeep and son to the hospital to punch my in the face and knock me out.I don’t remember begging my son to do the same. I don’t remember the tears others, my loved ones and friends cried for me because I was hurting so much. I remember the pain. I remember feeling like if I moved my left hand off my right arm that my right arm would fall completely off. I remember the pain. They finally did knock my out to put my arm back where it should be. I remember coming to and not being able to feel my right hand or move my right arm, which at this point was strapped to my body. 

It was a hard night. I now live with pain. Always. And not ever being able to find a completely comfortable position to be in. I live every day with the fact that I am no longer right handed because my right hand still barely moves. Unless I am going through muscle spasms and then all I can do is try to breath through the pain and wait for it to be done. 

It completely changed my life. I can’t work still and am having to rely on help. For a LOT of stuff. I get excited about small things now….like being able to raise my right arm above my head. I cried the first time I was able to shower by myself…then cried again because it took so much out of me I couldn’t get dressed by myself. I cried when I had to call my daddy and tell him what happened and ask for money to pay my bills. I cried because I could do something as simple as feed myself without making a huge mess because I was having to learn to do so with my left hand. I cried when my amazing little sister stepped up in a huge way to help me get through. I cried watching my son stepping up to help me cook and try to tell me not to get frustrated ; that we would make it through this together. I cried when the next month my daddy sent me more money for bills and asked how I was and what the doctors where saying. 

I’ve had WAY too much time on my hands to think….about every thing. 

My sister helped me set up this blog so I could have an outlet a connection to the world..all on my phone. There are things I will never be able to do again. Things I put off trying because I was trying so hard to do it on my own that I didn’t make time for. Now I wish I had made that time. It’s hard at 36 to have to relearn how to do things that I had known how to do for years.  I do nothing quick or easy any more because even easy things are hard for me. But I keep going. I will continue to keep going. I don’t cry as much..(there are still tears just not as much) and I don’t hide as much. Being in public is still hard….feeling like people are looking at how weird my hand looks now and feeling self cautious about eating in public. (I’m still messier than I am confortable with.) I’m self cautious aboyt what I order in public, because I know that if I pick something that has to be cut I can’t do it on my own.I struggle with cleaning my house on my own…I still try and still have help. I try to hang up all the clothes I own because it’s hard to fold stuff…it either stays inthe basket/dryer til I need it or I hang it. I have a pair of boots I may never wear again….because the last time I had them on my whole world got changed in one little moment of time. I enjoy the simple things more. Like sitting outside in my chair and hearing a little child singing silly songs out in the sunshine.(or pitching a fit and pouting because they had to go inside) I’m learning out to live as this me. I cry and pray and keep going because it’s the only thing I can do now. Just keep going….

Love and prayers and blessings